


Onward

by SpaceRune



Category: Gintama
Genre: Canon Divergence, Canon Typical Themes, Explicit Language, Friendship, Gen, Mentions of Suicidal Thoughts, Regret, spoilers up to episode 358 or chapter 649, thoughts of worthlessness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-12
Updated: 2018-08-27
Packaged: 2019-06-26 13:34:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15664218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpaceRune/pseuds/SpaceRune
Summary: A canon-divergent fic in which Sakamoto is able to find a cryochamber and save Nobunobu's life.





	1. Chapter 1

_ There must not be a single hospital on this planet, or beyond it, that has comfortable lighting, _ Tatsuma thought to himself as he waited in the fluorescent, yet dimly lit hallway. He tapped his fingers over and over on the cold, chrome armrests. The cryochamber was able to sustain Nobunobu’s life until they returned to Earth, but the surgeon had given no clear sign whether he would survive the night. Mutsu placed her hand firmly on Tatsuma’s shaking thigh. She didn't offer words to console him, instead she just gazed with large, understanding eyes.    
  


“Thank you, Mutsu,” his voice trembled and cracked. 

 

She leaned in closer and squeezed his arm. He looked around anxiously for Zura. Sure, Zura might not have had the bond Tatsuma shared with the shogun, but they all had fought together in the battle to defend Earth. 

 

“Where’d Zura go? It's been forever. And we've been waitin’ forever. I'm gonna find a nurse.”

 

Mutsu pushed Tatsuma back into his seat as he stood.

 

“I don't think so,” she glared, “the nurses will kick you out if you bother them one more time.”

 

He listened to her, she was right, but that didn't make the wait any less unbearable. 

 

“I can't believe he forgot...damn him…how dare he just give up like that...” Tatsuma mumbled to himself. Any sound, even bitter angry words, was better than that unnerving hum of the overhead lights. He became so immersed with his muttering that he was wholly unaware when a surgeon approached him and Mutsu.

 

“Your friend, Akage Chad, is out of surgery, he-”

 

Tatsuma looked at the man speaking to him with twitching brows, “Who the hell is Akage Chad!?” 

 

Mutsu stomped on his toe and interjected swiftly, “Chad is our friend, remember?”

 

Rather than yelp, he belted out his signature laugh and scratched his head nervously. In his flustered state, Tatsuma had forgotten that they chose not to give Nobunobu’s true identity. In the chaos when they had arrived at the hospital, Akage Chad was born. Though it was a wonder no one recognized the shogun with his blonde undercut and unique features. 

 

“Right, right sorry we don't usually call him that,” his laughter dwindled to silence and then seriousness took over, “Is-is he goin’ ta be alright?” 

 

The surgeon nodded slowly, “We’ve stabilised him and there is no immediate danger to his life. We-”

 

The largest grin spread across Tatsuma's face as he interrupted the surgeon again, “Where is he? Can I see him?”

 

“You can't just charge in like a madman,” Zura advised as he returned with snacks in hand. 

 

“He's right, your friend needs his rest-” the surgeon began only to be cut off yet another time. 

 

“It'll only be for a moment, I'll be good!” Tatsuma said with the joyous urgency of a child in a toy shop.

 

“What's the rush to see him any way? I'm glad he’s alive, but he's one of the most foolish men in history. You sure have strange taste in friends.” Zura added.

 

Mutsu rolled her eyes at the blabbering, “You're one to talk. Your best friend is an alien penis prince duck monster.” 

 

“Elizabeth is beautiful and perfect!” Zura said with increasing volume. 

 

Tatsuma started to wave his hands signaling the need for everyone to settle down. The surgeon took the opportunity to interject with a bellow, “This is a hospital! It's no place for this raucous conversation!”

 

The three quieted down and offered their full attention.

 

“Look, you all seem like... _ decent _ people...but we can't have loud, rowdy visitors disturbing the patients. If  _ two _ of you would like to come back for a  _ brief  _ visit, you may.” 

 

The answer was obvious, it had to be Tatsuma and Mutsu. Tatsuma because of his friendship with Nobunobu and Mutsu to support her captain. Zura volunteered to say behind without saying a word. 

 

The hallway to the recovery room was low-lit and thankfully more peaceful than the waiting area. As they approached the door to the shogun’s room, the surgeon turned and said, “Your friend is on a lot of medication now, don't be alarmed if he seems out of sorts. I'll give you a few minutes, but then you should let him rest.”

 

Tatsuma nodded diligently. He would have agreed to almost anything so long as it meant Nobunobu would get better. 

 

They entered the room. Tatsuma’s throat tightened. Despite knowing that Nobunobu was no longer grasping for life, it was still painful to see him suffering on a hospital bed. He wore a grimace on his face and his eyes were shadowed with a deep purple. An IV dripped fluids into his arm and his torso was constricted with some sort of brace. He rolled his head to the direction of Tatsuma and Mutsu and greeted them with a small, but discernible smile. Tatsuma had come to know and detest that smile, because it was usually followed by self-loathing. 

 

“S-Sakamoto-san. You saved my life...again. I'll never be able to repay you,” Nobunobu said quietly. 

 

Tatsuma clenched his fists. He should have been overjoyed to speak with him, but instead felt a surge of anger. That feeling used to be foreign to him, but now it had been plaguing him since Nobunobu uttered the words, “it's fine” after being shot. 

 

“First off, you will call me Tatsuma. Second, you don't owe me anything! All you need ta do is live and fulfill your obligation as a leader! You keep on forgettin’ what I told you! Back there you were ready ta give up so easily! I get it, you regret what you did, but l don't see how you plan on makin’ up for it if you’re dead! Death would be the easy way out for you. Now I know you're not a coward so stop actin’ like one! I-”

 

Mutsu placed her hand on his arm to stop his rant, “This isn't the time.”

 

“No, this is the perfect time, I have no choice but to listen now.” Nobunobu said with a weak and raspy voice, “and it seems I'm incapable of learning anything unless Tatsuma is yelling it at me.”

 

Tatsuma walked slowly towards the bedside. He recalled the alarming amount of blood on the floor and the bleeding bullet holes. The memory sent a frigid shiver up his spine. “Just get better, OK?”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While recovering in the hospital, Nobunobu contemplates his past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note that the tags have been updated for this chapter since the themes get darker and might be uncomfortable for some.
> 
> I hope you will find this short chapter interesting.

Nobunobu stared at the IV as it dripped uncomfortably cold fluids into his arm. His body was exhausted and begged for rest, but the circuitous thoughts in his mind only allowed for fleeting bouts of sleep. He was alive, while so many others had sacrificed their lives. Many of those lives never would have been lost had he never become shogun. How was it that he still had the privilege of living? How was it, that through all of his unscrupulous actions, he was able to not only emerge alive, but with someone who cared about his well-being?

“Morning, Akage-san. How are you feeling?” A doctor asked as she entered the room and picked up a clipboard.

Nobunobu squinted his eyes at the unfamiliar name.

“That's not your name, is it?”

He shook his head.

“Didn't think so. We know who you are.” She jotted some notes.

Pushing himself up to speak clearly, he said, “The people who brought me here, they didn't mean to cause any confusion by concealing my identity. I'm certain they did it to protect me. The fault lies with me for having a shameful past, not with them.”

The doctor looked up from her clipboard, “My duty is to treat my patients. Unless your past is medically relevant, it’s none of my concern.”

Nobunobu sighed and then flinched. Even breathing was a chore.

“If the pain is bad, we can increase your painkiller dose a bit.” She said as she checked the IV bag.

“That won't be necessary,” he tried to turn to his side but was restricted by the brace on his torso. Unable to turn his body, he searched for a convenient way to avoid eye contact with the doctor.

“You didn't sleep last night, did you?” The doctor must have noted his restlessness and heavy, bloodshot eyes.

“Not really.”

“Was the source of your discomfort physical or mental, in nature?” She asked as she reached for a blood pressure cuff.

Should he tell her? Should he burden her with knowledge of the cloying guilt in his chest? The words on the tip of his tongue sounded pathetic in his mind. They were words that Tatsuma would scold him for uttering, and yet he divulged, “I don't deserve to be alive.”

He paused and noted the barely perceptible gasp from the doctor.

“Those were the words that were assaulting my mind last night, and have been for some time now. But I _must_ believe that those words are wrong. As Tatsuma has relentlessly reminded me, my obligation to this country demands that I cannot die so easily. I have an obligation to see a peaceful transition of power and I have an obligation to accompany the princess to Shigeshige’s grave.”

The doctor ceased taking notes and listened slack-jawed to his short monologue.

“I-I’m not sure what to make of all of that. Of course you should fulfill your obligations as shogun, but because of the words you started with, I'm required to recommend you talk to someone about those feelings of worthlessness.”

“Why?” It was Katsura, who had somehow entered the recovery room, “He _should_ feel worthless after all he's done.”

“Hey! No one gets ta call Nobunobu worthless!” Tatsuma objected from behind.

“Who let you people in here?” The doctor asked with an incensed tone. “Do you know them?”

A wide and uncharacteristic smile stretched across Nobunobu’s face. “Yes,” he answered unable to suppress a small laugh which had the unwanted effect of hurting his wounds, “they are the stupidest retainers on Earth.”

“Perfect for the stupidest shogun in the universe.” Katsura scoffed.

The doctor marched toward the intruders and made a “shooing” motion with her arms. “Visitor hours start at 9! You're over 30 minutes early!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Throughout Silver Soul Arc, Nobunobu's guilt is a large part of his characterization and I hope that I've captured it well here. Moreover, I hope that in no way, by exploring his thoughts have I made it seem that I am excusing the bad things he has done. That is not my goal here. I only wish to delve into how his decisions have made him feel and how he can (and must) move forward. There will be more on that last part in the next, and final chapter.  
> Thank you for your time. Feedback is always welcome.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sakamoto and Zura head to the hospital gift shop and silliness ensues. Once they are finally able to visit Nobunobu, they both remind him of their different feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is much, much more lighthearted than the previous one. I hope you enjoy it.

Had it not been for Mutsu, who was trailing Tatsuma and Zura, the two Joui rebels would have rebelled against the doctor’s orders. 

 

“C'mon you idiots! How many times do I have to tell you? If you don't stop with this, we’ll get kicked out of the hospital!” She reprimanded.

 

Despite the height difference, Mutsu had no trouble dragging Tatsuma by his ear. She reached for Zura's ear too, but his silky hair presented a slight challenge. When she threatened him with her Yato strength, however, he quickly acquiesced. 

 

“There's only about 30 minutes left to wait. I'm sure you can both hold out.” Mutsu grunted while ushering both men into waiting room chairs like grounded children.

 

Tatsuma clicked his tongue but obeyed, as he almost always did when Mutsu chastised his foolishness. Despite feeling antsy, he was able to relax a bit since Nobunobu seemed to be stronger than the night before. What bothered him now was Zura. Why was he insisting on being so hostile to Nobunobu? Tatsuma thought to ask, but decided not to when he glimpsed the agitated look on Mutsu’s face. Surely, she would prefer silence over more bickering. 

 

After 35 minutes passed, the doctor came out to greet the restless three. Tatsuma bolted from his seat to meet her. He opened his mouth to speak, but the doctor began first. “Thank you for your patience. I know it can be hard when someone you care about is being treated, but it's important to let the medical staff do their job.”

 

Tatsuma attempted to speak once again, but was interrupted by Mutsu. “They won't say it, but they are very sorry for disrupting you before.”

 

“I understand.” The doctor nodded and continued, “Your friend, rather the shogun, is doing well. As you saw, he's exhausted, but able to carry conversation. Moreover, there are no signs of infection and his spine was unharmed by the gunshots.”

 

Tatsuma grabbed Mutsu’s hand, squeezed it and made a giddy humming noise. “Can we go see him now, then?”

 

The doctor shook her head, “I'm going to ask that you wait awhile longer. He finally fell asleep as I was leaving. It's much needed rest. If you plan on staying though, we have a gift shop and café downstairs.” 

 

Finally listening to the doctor’s advice, Tatsuma and Zura moseyed to the gift shop. Mutsu headed to the café, she would not be faulted by the other two for wanting some space. 

 

The gift shop was a small, but bright and organized store. It was stacked with candies, cards, flowers, and balloons. Tatsuma perused the products with one hand on his hip and the other scratching his temple. Was he browsing to waste time or was there a suitable gift lingering among the trinkets? He picked up and placed down several items that made no sense as gifts for the shogun: a small teddy bear, a tin of cookies, a pewter picture frame. 

 

“Are you seriously thinking of getting a sentimental gift like that?” Zura laughed as Tatsuma returned the picture frame to its shelf.

 

He responded with a low growl and then said, “I have no clue what ta get him! We spent so much time together and I still have no idea what he likes!”

 

Barely suppressing a chuckle, Zura tapped Tatsuma on the shoulder and handed him some antidiarrheal pills. “How about this?”

 

Both men shook with laughter at the memory of the shittiest negotiation in history. Their uproar elicited a very audible throat clearing from the shop owner.

 

“That's stupid and offensive,” Tatsuma said while wiping a tear, “let's get it.”

  
***

  
After a few more hours of waiting and consuming copious amounts of junk food, Tatsuma and Zura were allowed some extended visitation time.

 

“You're both still here,” Nobunobu said as they entered, his voice still shaky, but stronger than before. 

 

Tatsuma looked down towards the hospital bed with a soft smile. “Of course, we’d never abandon our shogun.”

 

“Speak for yourself, I'm not so sure he's earned that title,” Zura said.

 

“You yourself acknowledged his leadership!” Tatsuma glared over his shoulder at Zura.

 

“I did, but I will never forget what he did to Shigeshige!” Zura’s eyebrows twitched.

 

“Neither will I.” Nobunobu said under his breath but loud enough for all to hear.

 

Tatsuma shifted his focus back to Nobunobu. For a third time, they were being rowdy while he was trying to heal. 

 

“I know that,” Zura said in a gentler tone, “Though I doubt you'll ever truly be able to fill his shoes, I must admit you're doing a pretty good job of being our leader.”

 

“Excellent!” Tatsuma grinned and clapped his hands loudly, “Now that Zura’s got that off his chest, we've got some gifts for you!”

 

Zura revealed a paper bag he had concealed by his side. While doing this, he reminded everyone that his name was in fact Katsura and not Zura.  

 

“First thing is candies!” Tatsuma announced as he took the bag and reached in, “We weren't really sure if you liked sweet stuff, but most people do, so we got you a few different kinds.”

 

Nobunobu gripped the rails on the bed and forced himself into a position which would allow him to see better. Tatsuma gritted his teeth watching his labored motions. 

 

“Next, we have this! It symbolizes our best memories with you!” Zura pulled the rattling box of antidiarrheal pills from the bag and threw it on the bed. 

 

“What is thi-” Nobunobu looked down at the  _ gift _ , the instant his eyes settled on it they grew wide and his cheeks burned a bright pink, “You guys are assholes.”

 

“At least we can control our assholes.” Tatsuma retorted with no attempt to hide his laughter, “We didn't really know what else ta get you, because there are so many things we don't know about you, but I remembered that you seemed to enjoy the space movies we watched together, so we bought a whole bunch of em’!”

 

Without waiting for a response, Tatsuma dumped seven BDs on the bed. Still wide-eyed, Nobunobu shifted his gaze rapidly between the movies and Tatsuma. “Th-this is extremely thoughtful.” 

 

“It's just what friends do when their buddy is hurt.” Tatsuma picked up _Guardians of the Galaxy vol. 1_  from the bed, “Wanna watch this one?” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I struggled writing this chapter, I am still out of my comfort zone with fic writing...  
> I hope the characterizations were well done, and that the shift to silliness did not cause mood-whiplash.   
> Feedback is welcome and encouraged! Thanks for reading ^_^


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After mostly recovering from his injuries, Nobunobu goes to meet Soyo-hime at Shigeshige's grave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ever since Soyo-hime's conversation with Nobunobu, I have wanted to see what their meeting at Shigeshige's grave would be like. Of course, in canon, no such thing ever happens. Given a scenario in which Nobunobu survives, I think this would be a meaningful encounter for both of them. My version could never hold a candle to what Sorachi would have written, but I hope it is interesting and plausible for both characters.

_ Not even the brilliant sunshine, in the spotless sky could cleanse my soul,  _ Nobunobu thought to himself as he stared from the window of the black car. An unfamiliar sensation intruded on his thoughts. It was that of a supportive hand placed firmly on his shoulder. The hand was not just placed there, but it patted and then rubbed. He turned to the hand and then its owner. Sakamoto Tatsuma sat by his side with his eyes shining from behind his sunglasses and his smile shining even brighter. Nobunobu stiffened his lip and inhaled deeply through his nose. Tatsuma nodded and said, “It’s goin’ ta be just fine.”

 

The car turned into the driveway of the private cemetery. Nobunobu’s chest tightened and his throat grew dry and breathless. “Ju-just,” his voice hitched as he addressed the driver, “just pull up here. The princess said she will meet me at his grave.”

 

The car drew to silent halt. As Nobunobu started to rise from his seat, Tatsuma stopped him with a hand on his chest. “You sure you'll be OK walkin’ all that way on your own?”

 

“I'm almost fully healed, I'll be fine.” He pushed back against Tatsuma.

 

“That's not what the doctor said. You almost fell gettin’ up this morning. If you fall on your way over there, I'm gonna point and laugh and have no mercy.”

 

“I must do this on my own. I'm responsible for Shigeshige’s death. I must face the consequences of my actions, on my own.” 

 

Tatsuma released his arm and Nobunobu reached for the door handle. His movements were stifled from soreness and trepidation. He could feel Tatsuma eyeing his every stilted motion. 

 

Truthfully, the walk to the grave was not long, but any distance was laborious when recovering from three near-fatal gunshot wounds. It was one of those remarkably beautiful afternoons, but the sunshine was too warm, and the air too clear, for the turmoil under his skin. No matter how many times he had run over this moment in his head, no words would ever be sufficient. All apologies would crumble when stacked against the tower of his sins. Disregarding the futility, he breathed in a full and uncomfortable breath, and started up the stone stairs for the grave. 

 

“Thank you for coming, Nobunobu-sama,” Soyo-hime said as he completed the final steps. 

 

Trying to conceal his heavy breathing, he nodded but said no words, nor did he let his eyes fall directly upon her. Yet through a peripheral glance, he caught her welcoming smile. All the forgiveness in the world was contained in that smile. She kneeled and placed a single flower on her brother’s grave.

 

“Dear brother, we are both here today to tell you that Edo is safe.” 

 

Nobunobu followed her lead and kneeled by her side. He could hear the tremors in her voice and finally brought himself to look in her eyes. Glistening tears cascaded through her lashes. Her sorrow for the loss of her beloved brother must be carried with her everyday. It must be a profoundly deeper agony than the remorse that beat in Nobunobu’s heart. If she could bring herself to speak, so too could he. 

 

“Edo has been protected by the most dogged and loving people Earth has ever witnessed. I understand what you meant when you said a shogun is no longer needed. I played no role in defense of Edo compared to her ordinary citizens. But I  _ will  _ play a role in seeing that this country and her people have a peaceful transition of power…and…” his calm voice faltered. 

 

“...and…” he tried again.

 

“That’s OK, take your time.” Soyo-hime assured him, her voice still trembling. 

 

From kneeling, he turned to the princess and descended to a deep bow. “My words are feeble when compared to the pain I have caused…” he paused as hot tears trickled from the corners of his eyes, down his nose, and into the dirt, “I have caused so much suffering for you and for so many people. If I could, I would take it all back and die in his place...I'm so sorry.”

 

Gentle tears grew to sobs, “...forgive me...”

 

“That’s enough,” she said quietly, “I forgive you.”

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. I cannot thank the people who have encouraged me to write, enough. Comments are welcome and appreciated. <3

**Author's Note:**

> Nobunobu's character development was beautiful and inspiring. I had hoped we would have gotten to see more of him in Gintama. His bond with Sakamoto was powerful and surprising, and something I wanted to explore. This is my first time writing a canon-divergent fic, so I hope that it still captures the characters well.


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